tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82288123476704549602024-03-05T09:12:42.011-08:00tales of the clockworkrabbittepatron saint of the ordinarybenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-47435596135974192812010-05-25T22:52:00.000-07:002010-05-25T22:58:54.746-07:00a random speed-bump<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSrUdBs6jph_NVhWQBOnY62TCL7wpXTKu9OKw_35qp_hz-r7PZFAhLIBaNIv1u2hdRRPZtUvdxCgC6994giDCwiGmy_5l3ZfRUqjr0RwtThrDSuT8FOeK0mJihRqCeQoBR90w0Tkjv0Fg/s1600/justin+%26+i+in+SD-06.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSrUdBs6jph_NVhWQBOnY62TCL7wpXTKu9OKw_35qp_hz-r7PZFAhLIBaNIv1u2hdRRPZtUvdxCgC6994giDCwiGmy_5l3ZfRUqjr0RwtThrDSuT8FOeK0mJihRqCeQoBR90w0Tkjv0Fg/s320/justin+%26+i+in+SD-06.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5475452818645500866" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><div style="text-align: left;">i<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> happened onto my myspace profile and found this picture from a much happier time. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">things are going really well for me and for the most part, i've been able to put the whole thing behind me, but then i see this pic and it takes me back with a bit of a shock. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">as recent as 2 months ago, this would have been a punch in the gut. now i just remember who we were then and what we became. </span></div></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">it's late at night (for me) and i guess i'm just wool-gathering.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">i'll write more about my life these days later.</span></span></div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-69657636489351005652009-01-27T23:35:00.000-08:002009-01-30T11:35:19.609-08:00an impromptu list<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">a friend of me sent me this chain list thing on face book. you're supposed to list 25 things about yourself, but i kinda just kept going. thought i would reproduce it here.<br /><br /></span></span><div style="text-align: left;"><ol><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I despise chain emails</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I was a stripper (very briefly)</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I have an OCD about my hands</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I love sleeping, but have a hard time falling asleep.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I have been playing guitar for 18 years (on and off)</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I play guitar, piano, bass, drums, and have even dabbled with trombone</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My first bf was 16, I was 19</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> He seduced me.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> His parents found us asleep together.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My first job was as a fry cook</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I was fired from my second job for stealing (I didn't do it-long story)</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> The first time I kissed a boy was behind a church.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am moderately ambidextrous</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I have tried to read moby dick 5 times.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I was in a church band.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I speak 5 languages other than english, I am fluent in none of them (I can read 6)</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I enjoy obscure terms.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> History is my favourite subject.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am listed on IMDB.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My 'first time' was in the woods.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I have spelled colour with a 'u' since college.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I bite my nails.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I have 9 pins and 2 plates in my left leg (I was rejected from the navy for this reason).</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am a hopeless romantic.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I love being lost.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My favourite word, ironically, is quim.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am attracted to intelligence.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I used to play chess over the phone.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I didn't own a computer until I was 24.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I prefer stick shift to automatic because of the sound of the engine.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Three of my top 10 movies of all time were released in 1995.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I once worked at a bathhouse.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I love hockey, but I cannot ice skate.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I despise running.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Soccer is my fav sport to play.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am slightly pigeon-toed.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Until I was 17, I wanted to be a writer.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I got some poetry published in high school.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I wrote and directed 2 plays</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am a voracious reader</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My favourite movie is 'street of crocodiles' by the bros. quay.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I drown once when I was 6 (woke up on the beach while they were doing CPR).</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I love swimming.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My favourite book is ender's game (i have read it a minimum of 10 times)</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">I never capitalize my name.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I prefer lowercase letters, but my handwriting is mostly caps.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I was very nearly given up for adoption as a newborn.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> My best friend and i have known each other for 28 years.</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> I am too lazy to think of 50 things, but egocentric enough to come up with 49.</span></span></li></ol></div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-81977520098211218572009-01-23T13:16:00.000-08:002009-02-20T19:47:08.074-08:00an ode<div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><div style="text-align: left;">just around <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">halloween</span> someone that i knew, a friend, an old enemy took his own life. it sort of gurgled around inside of me for a while until it ended up coming out one day while i was just messing w/my guitar. i know it doesn't <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">rhyme</span>, but the idea was to just get it out of my head. from there i can always revise. this was written all at the same time, over a 20 minute period. maybe i<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">'ll</span> publish the 2<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">nd</span> version as a follow-up.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">an ode</span><br /></div></div><span style="font-size:100%;">why is it, after the fact<br />that i call you my friend?<br />why is it, after the fact<br />now that you're gone?<br /><br />all those silver linings<br />never showed up<br />and you didn't know<br />what to do.<br /><br />sharp tongue and a<br />sharper mind<br />and that chinstrap beard<br />why leave us all high and dry<br />and wondering why?<br /><br />i heard there was a<br />sad parade<br />of all the friends<br />you didn't think you had<br /><br />so, why would the<br />smartest motherfucker that i know<br />do something to become<br />a past tense?<br /><br />so i guess there comes a time<br />when we all get that call<br />the one that punches us,<br />throws us up against the wall.<br /><br />why is it, after the fact<br />that i call you my friend?<br />why is it, after the fact<br />now that you're gone?<br /></span></div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-7881483961630065952009-01-21T11:06:00.000-08:002009-01-21T11:19:11.641-08:00........and....we're back<span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" >over the last few months, in truth, the better part of a year, a lot has changed and i have been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">wavering</span> back and forth about returning to writing blog entries. i have always felt that there is something personal about writing journal style, but there is something <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">intrinsically</span> exhibitionist about writing a journal that others can read. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">i'm</span> too lazy to write 2 of them, one public, one private, so i have neglected both.<br /><br />i have started re-establishing contact with people that i have not spoken to in a long time, i guess the wheel comes 'round every once in a while. i sent the link to this blog to a friend in a vain attempt to catch her up on what i have been doing over the last few years, but found that it is explicit in some areas and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">deficit</span> in others.<br /><br />in the hopeful spirit this post-inauguration world, i am re-dedicating myself to this blog. using this public space, though it is only my little corner of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">interweb</span> to bounce ideas off of people and hopefully get some feedback on some of them so that i can reshape and refine them.<br /><br />i <span style="font-style: italic;">may</span> even use spell-check, but don't get your hopes up.<br /><br />so, here goes.............</span>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-88530962975026106872008-06-21T10:08:00.000-07:002008-06-21T10:11:20.193-07:00starfish primeso, i decided to release what little i had of my story. i really like the beginning, but the hard part seems to find the voice that i was originally writing it in. as much this first bit promises, i'm not sure where to go with it after this. i have two other versions, but they all divurge right after this first section.<br />well, enjoy.....<br /><br /><a href="http://docs.google.com/View?docID=dgnxhgt3_7f7w6p7&revision=_latest">starfish prime</a>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-7609235463661088932008-05-02T14:57:00.000-07:002008-05-02T15:00:47.478-07:00greenbugzmy best friend from back home asked me to link to his site. it is <a href="http://www.greenbugz.com/">greenbugz.com</a>, a site for the eco-friendly.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-33025923265933051362008-04-22T09:40:00.000-07:002008-04-22T09:41:01.626-07:00restless.restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-31700657250874659172008-04-18T11:47:00.000-07:002008-04-18T12:28:22.308-07:00checking in<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF7EtEDX5qzbQHqlqTyZjkKD-JmtiHdkoxt_WXjcAA1VFlB3LeySbJQX11HNvIaqdMRkmMCxE_Mb1030eQeFWrDQF7JwipSuKAXfxdN2lBXBx8x69eOhE-2vW5tm2BVgwiWHXyj7kNZt0/s1600-h/adam_Gustavson-+samurai.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF7EtEDX5qzbQHqlqTyZjkKD-JmtiHdkoxt_WXjcAA1VFlB3LeySbJQX11HNvIaqdMRkmMCxE_Mb1030eQeFWrDQF7JwipSuKAXfxdN2lBXBx8x69eOhE-2vW5tm2BVgwiWHXyj7kNZt0/s320/adam_Gustavson-+samurai.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5190669321040512050" border="0" /></a>it has been quite a while since i wrote here. long enough that i don't quite know where to start. i'm alive and still living in idaho. other than that, i've been spinning my wheels in my rut. they say that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. i'm hoping that longevity is a factor as well.<br /><br />still embarking on my reading jag. trying to teach myself latin. playing music once and a while. switched gyms. the gym i go to now has a way better pool that is always open during the times that i project i will be going there.<br /><br />kind of an odd note. in one of my earlier blogs, i talked about being nervous about being in the locker room at the gym. apparently i was at the wrong gym. i noticed that one of the staff at my new gym is quite obviously gay. now that doesn't translate to the locker room being cruisy or anything, but for some bizaare reason that i can't explain, i feel a little more comfortable there knowing i'm not the only one.<br /><br />i started the year as a hillary clinton supporter, but i have started to find myself leaning towards obama lately. his policies, or what he says are his policies, sound like something i can get behind, and more importantly, it sounds like what we need.<br /><br />not much else going on. the earth still spins and everyday i fall away from the sun and wait for centrifugal force to bring my little portion of the globe back into light.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-60169494986402068892008-03-01T07:19:00.000-08:002008-03-01T07:24:41.994-08:00untitledso it seems that i have been delinquent in updating my blog. there really hasn't been a lot going on. i mean, yeah, there is the daily job of clearing your way past whatever detritus gets thrown in your path, but my life has pretty much become fairly stagnant. i'm pretty sure that i'm going to be moving to spokane, WA in the near future. from there, who knows.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-18790177827182256172007-12-11T09:59:00.000-08:002007-12-11T11:13:45.637-08:00might as well face it.....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGovL7CptHITQZaCXSUkB_1iCxUqiFhNQmauOxModcW-qgHAvDUTmO1TDegfTQJ29EEDvdPTTF9HfL_yIUvuqxUYgA5OmLDqx0zA3V7UIPb_llxKsd7iWljosqCvsDeW6IbcPP8VthpGc/s1600-h/167.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGovL7CptHITQZaCXSUkB_1iCxUqiFhNQmauOxModcW-qgHAvDUTmO1TDegfTQJ29EEDvdPTTF9HfL_yIUvuqxUYgA5OmLDqx0zA3V7UIPb_llxKsd7iWljosqCvsDeW6IbcPP8VthpGc/s320/167.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5142795620938020002" border="0" /></a>i read an amazing article yesterday. maybe it was a novella, not sure. it was called <a href="http://blank.org/addict/">"addicted to hate"</a> and written by a journalist named <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">jon</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">michael</span> bell. the project is basically an expose about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">fred</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">phelps</span> and the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">westboro</span> baptist church.<br /><br />here's a really fun fact: according to the <a href="http://www.conservapedia.com/Fred_Phelps"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">conservapedia</span></a>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">phelps</span> is a democrat. i was shocked until i read the article and found that this due to the fact that there is a vast difference between the man he thinks he is and the man he actually is.<br /><br />the article alleges that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">phelps</span> is an emotionally disturbed man who has abused his position as a parent and pastor. with charges ranging from daily physical beatings to being the towering, domineering architect of a clan whose only mission in life is to terrorise his fellow citizens, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">phelps</span> seems much like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">jim</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">jones</span>, but without the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">kool</span>-aid or the charm.<br /><br />i read a really interesting blog about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">phelps</span>. in it, the blogger postulates that he believes that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">phelps</span> is a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">kaufman</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">esque</span> clown parading a focused mirror back onto the christian right. a sort of effort to out-right-wing the fundamentalists. the optimist in me wants to believe that the world is such a mad place that it is just possible, but after reading the article, i find there are more similarities to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">kafka</span> than <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">kaufman</span>.<br /><br /><br /><span style=""><br /><br /></span>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-66547663757232794242007-12-08T15:13:00.000-08:002007-12-08T15:59:54.838-08:00some great quotes"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement" - <span style="font-style: italic;">john patrick shanley</span><br /><br />"evil is an act, not an appetite" - <span style="font-style: italic;">gregory maguire</span><br /><br />"we are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us" - <span style="font-style: italic;">charles bukowski</span><br /><br />"any scholar of the great ninja vs. pirate wars will immediately understand that pandas and cows are bitter enemies fighting for the affections of the zebra overlords" - <span style="font-style: italic;">unknown</span><br /><br />"the world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places. but those that will not break it kills. it kills the very good and the very gentle and the brave impartially. if you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry" - <span style="font-style: italic;">ernest hemmingway<br /><br /></span>"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be" - <span style="font-style: italic;">douglas adams</span><br /><br />"it made you realize that you werent the only one who was more than discouraged with the world, you werent the only one moving toward madness - <span style="font-style: italic;">charles bukowski<br /><br /></span>"i do not believe in cinema verite. sometimes a really good lie is better than any truth - werner herzog<br /><br />"seek freedom and become captive of your desires. seek discipline and find your liberty" - <span style="font-style: italic;">frank herbert</span><br /><br />"all governments suffer a recurring problem; power attracts pathological personalities. it is not that power corrupts, but that it is magnetic to the corruptible. such people become drunk on violence, a condition to which they are quickly addicted" - <span style="font-style: italic;">frank herbert</span><br /><br />"happiness is a 'how'; not a what. a talent, not an object" - <span style="font-style: italic;">herman hesse</span><br /><br />"it is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes" - douglas adams<br /><br />"hmm..maybe gods can bleed....no, just ketchup." - <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span><br /><br />"religious faith is (nothing)(sic) more sublime than a desperate marriage of ignorance and hope" - <span style="font-style: italic;">sam harris</span><br /><br />"there is no snake so cruel, so worth your dread;<br />if anyone upon his tail should tread;<br />as woman is, when kindled once to ire;<br />vengence is then the whole of their desires" - <span style="font-style: italic;">geoffrey chaucer</span><br /><br />"anger is the executor of pride" - <span style="font-style: italic;">chaucer</span><br /><br />"there is only one thing in the world that i admit is not natural; a work of art. everything else, whether one likes it or not, belongs to the natural order" - <span style="font-style: italic;">andre gide</span><br /><br />"eleanor roosevelt was a strong woman and a strong first lady, but it wasn't like we didn't know who was wearing the wheels in the family" - <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span><br /><br />"The sky is pocked with stars. What eyes the wise men must have had to see a new one in so many" - <span style="font-style: italic;">james goldman</span><br /><br />"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job" - <span style="font-style: italic;">douglas adams</span><br /><br />I've snapped and plotted all my life. There's no other way to be alive, king, and fifty all at once. - <span style="font-style: italic;">james goldman</span><br /><br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>Of course he has a knife, he always has a knife, we all have knives! It's 1183 and we're barbarians! - <span style="font-style: italic;">james goldman</span>, "the lion in winter"<br /><br />"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - <span style="font-style: italic;">douglas adams</span><br /><br />"There is a theory which states that if anybody ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened" - <span style="font-style: italic;">douglas adams</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-5518564805200896992007-12-08T15:09:00.000-08:002007-12-08T15:12:43.187-08:00one of my favourite quotes from work"i have scabies"<br />"you can't have scabies, you have to be on a ship"<br />"that's scurvy"<br />"oh"benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-46185316760051831982007-12-03T13:58:00.000-08:002007-12-03T16:18:02.122-08:00jude the obscure- an unintended book report<span style="font-weight: bold;">**</span><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">friday</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> 30 </span><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">november</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> 07**</span><br />so, i finally got <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">marcel</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">proust's</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">remembrance</span> of things past from the library a week or two ago. it was right after my blog lamenting my philistine reading habits. i have to admit i liked what i read, but it was incredibly dense. i only got through the chapter called overture. it was like a medieval tapestry. it was well made and i could appreciate the weave of the material and i knew that if i followed the threads, they would lead me to the bigger picture of the rest of the tapestry, but i only had so much attention to give. so, i pulled through as much as i could and then put it down. i <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">haven't</span> really cracked it open in a few days. i went to the library yesterday and found that they had finally gotten a copy of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">jude</span></span> the obscure by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">thomas</span></span> hardy in. somewhere along the way, i got the idea that hardy was kind of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">english</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">proust</span></span>, meaning that you had to plod through his work. i started reading and found myself pulled in. i read 120 pages last night. now, don't get me wrong, it's not a page-turner, but i get some vague satisfaction that i can at least make it through hardy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">**</span><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">monday</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> 3 </span><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">december</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> 07**</span><br />okay, so let's re-examine the story of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">jude</span></span> the obscure. it's your basic story. poor boy dreams of going to college, though he is a peasant. boy meets girl that fakes pregnancy to get him to marry her. girls runs off to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">australia</span></span>. boy moves to the city and meets another girl. this one is his cousin. so, of course, he falls madly in love with her despite the fact that he is still married to girl #1 technically. girl #2 makes him chase her like a wolf for the next 100 pages and then she marries his old school-teacher out of obligation(don't ask). after marrying the older man, she finds that she is repulsed by him and asks his leave to have an affair with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">jude</span></span>, whom she loves in the unfettered smolder that only the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">victorian</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">english</span></span> can manage. turns out girl is a sociopath (though they don't have that term in 1896 when the book was published) and she keeps <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">jude</span></span> at a distance for a year or so and when his now ex-wife shows up at the door, girl #2 goes into a mad tantrum. to appease her, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">jude</span></span> doesn't go out to see the ex. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">jude</span></span> has been courting her for almost 200 pages at this point. finally, they decide to get married (after each has had their previous <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">marriage</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">annulled</span>-confused yet?) but they decide that marriage is such an unhappy proposition that they will live together but not actually marry.<br /><br />turns out that in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">victorian</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">england</span></span>, this is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">equivalent</span> to being gay. before they even admitted that homosexuals existed, they had to treat someone like shite, so i guess it was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">unwed</span> couples. they have 3 children and are fabulously happy until they run into trouble finding a place to lodge <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">because</span> it seems to be <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">imposable</span> to find a place that will let out to a couple with children. in a moment of despair and depression, girl #2(the cousin) tells the eldest child that the world sucks and the kid (already a manic depressive child) takes it upon himself to hang himself and his 2 siblings <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">while</span> his mother is out so that the parents would have an easier life.<br />the girl, now a woman (named sue, btw) is so distraught that she becomes <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">uber</span></span>-religious and goes back and re-marries the old schoolteacher(she believes that the death of the children was G-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">d's</span></span> way of getting her to toe the line). <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">jude</span></span> is heartbroken and goes on a bender. during which, his ex-wife appears a widow with plans to get <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">jude</span></span> back because he is a stone-mason and makes a decent wage that she can live off of. she gets <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">jude</span></span> so wasted that he is easily tricked into marrying her again. like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">monday</span></span> morning in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">Vegas</span>, he sobers up and finds that he was duped. dramatically, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">jude</span> loses the will to live.<br />in that spectacular <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_36"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">victorian</span></span> way, he wastes away in depression. eventually, he walks through the rain to the village where sue lives, and says goodbye. he upbraids her for being a twit and a coward. she covers her ears and he walks away into the rain and to his death.<br /><br />to review, boy meets girl, she's an emasculating bitch. boy meets the love of his life and she loses her mind and becomes a hard-core christian. boy dies in poverty of a broken heart or broken spirit.<br /><br />not exactly uplifting stuff.<br /><br />i turns out that i <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_37"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">mis</span></span>-understood the characterization of hardy. it's not that the book is hard. it's written in a fairly free flowing form of prose that isn't hard to understand. what is hard about the book is the wading through the abject suffering of the main characters. the story in the novel is very much like the story of job. only in the story of Job, Job will eventually win out. it's a story about faith. if Job has faith, he will be rewarded.<br /><br />that's the beauty of the bible for people of limited intellect. there really are no grays. there is good and then there is bad. the good are rewarded and the bad are punish-ed. unless the good are punished to see if they will stay good or turn wicked. then there's the good who turn wicked and stuff happens to them so that they see the error of their ways and become good again. that's it. any ambiguity that may have been there in the gospels is cleaned out in the homogenizing process that translation has become.<br /><br />i guess the whole point of the book is that because of his poverty, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_38"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">jude</span></span> was never given the proper opportunities to rise above his dismal circumstances. this is before the scholarship was thought of apparently. in the first few chapters of the book, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_39"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">jude</span></span> is an incredibly smart and precocious child that teaches himself <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_40"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">greek</span></span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_41"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">latin</span></span> from second-hand books. the idea is that he is more than intellectually capable. of course, he meets a girl and it all starts to turn from there.<br /><br />i think one of the main differences betwixt "literature" and more modern reading is their approach to the audience. like most abstract expressionist, "literature" expects that you their point is so important that you will suffer through quite a lot to decipher their meaning. the book i started reading directly after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33">jude</span></span> the obscure is a book called "the sparrow" by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34">mary</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_44"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">doria</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_45"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_36">russell</span></span>. i '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_46"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_37">ve</span></span> read it before and found it to be a good story written rather well. the author goes to pains to make you like and respect the main character in the first few chapters. even though the main character is a priest, we are told how charming and sexy he is, as if the author was imagining a cleaned-up father <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_47"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_38">karas</span></span> from exorcist.<br /><br />you're really supposed to like father <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_48"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_39">sandoz</span></span>. and then there is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_49"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_40">jude</span></span>. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_50"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_41">jude</span></span> is supposed to be irrepressibly bright and precocious. the whole point of the book is that his life has been a waste. he is lamentably intelligent in his studies but amazingly naive when it comes to sexual politics. i certainly do not have much room to speak on that matter, but through a greater part of the book, you feel like yelling out "don't do it, you fool!!!"<br />he meets a girl who has him wrapped around her finger in a few pages and keeps him dangling for pretty much the rest of the book. she is a completely unsympathetic character that utters things like "you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_51"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">musn't</span></span> love me <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_52"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">jude</span></span>. i am wicked." to which he replies,"but i adore you , my darling. i am the wicked one."<br /><br />the whole book is like that.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_53"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_44">i'm</span></span> not sure if <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_45">thomas</span> hardy was a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_54">misogynist</span>, the victim of a similar jerking of the heart, or just trying to make a point about courtship in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_55"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_46">victorian</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_56"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_47">england</span></span>. by modern standards, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_48">jude</span> puts up with her insanity with the patience of a saint. he is rewarded with misery.<br /><br />am i glad i read the book? yeah. i actually learned a few things. if you approach the book as a document of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_49">english</span> society at the turn of the previous century, it's intriguing to notice the difference in cultures and times.<br /><br />the goal was to start reading literature to learn more about the human condition.<br /><br />that's one down.....benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-59105483234620293622007-11-30T19:39:00.000-08:002007-12-03T13:58:06.521-08:00from spring awakening to purple summer<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib0x8mC8fNv7Y6NZAgjm4q2OBk7_KG8bHQuAbS0S16_EOF0kUQAR2_i2003YT7fb_H-7rsIpX3c6wcTtz4nVANYTMbZBxh7xXrwvc78F2JC9gVosR3ZjwhMBfyiYQpNxFLRRKigyCAVFE/s1600-r/15cnd_awakening-600.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioOZ7KYMDE6iJq-mowO7I2SeNROKMApU8IqogSWvZSxp_mzVw9J1JGyVWU05fidTdEbyEtiHjbEiyE55kA9eDRdR6lZUgTpXQL8jtbNgPxeOV1dCtdgMYXVAv6F9bltr8kWt1d1uVjUHE/s320/15cnd_awakening-600.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5139835636851799170" border="0" /></a>i recently discovered a broadway show called <a href="http://www.springawakening.com/">"spring awakening"</a>. i regularly read this blog called <a href="http://www.deusexmalcontent.com/">deus ex malcontent</a> that is really pretty good. he lives in new york and he raved about seeing the show on broadway. i hadn't heard of the show, so i wanted to try it out and see if it was any good.<br /><br />i remember the first time that i heard the soundtrack for "wicked". here's how i prove what a homosexual i am and admit that the first time i heard "defying gravity", i got shivers. actual shivers. there is something magical about discovering musicals. you know what i'm talking about if you own a "phantom of the opera" cassette tape or cd sitting somewhere.<br /><br />i "discovered" wicked and then i found "rent. it's been a while, but i finally found something new. if you get the chance, i highly recommend legally finding a copy of the music and give it a listen.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-10601238373127768412007-11-23T14:10:00.000-08:002007-11-23T16:35:31.114-08:00life is a highway<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7GbKI6Tz1TVtetC-FvUTCGADVMWOJn8SnY0jkiD6XQOjsGVIkXa4tBbjxG58ogTtaPwrieRl4xANpAi0Icj8p09DfLFZ1f4UAAi3tV1ykiu1OXuYx-Mrag0a5u1yNsyHZT9RnS3hHItk/s1600-h/mater.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 211px; height: 133px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7GbKI6Tz1TVtetC-FvUTCGADVMWOJn8SnY0jkiD6XQOjsGVIkXa4tBbjxG58ogTtaPwrieRl4xANpAi0Icj8p09DfLFZ1f4UAAi3tV1ykiu1OXuYx-Mrag0a5u1yNsyHZT9RnS3hHItk/s320/mater.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5136164237666058690" border="0" /></a>so, yesterday was thanksgiving, as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">i'm</span> sure you are aware. if you didn't know, sorry for spoiling the surprise.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">justin</span> went to his aunt's house in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">wallace</span> and i didn't go. when i came back from CA, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">justin's</span> father & <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">stepmom</span> made it clear that they don't want me in their house. i was 'dis-invited' if that is the correct phrase. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">i'll</span> admit, it actually hurt. i felt i had gone out of my way to be incredibly civil and to try and adjust to their vastly different way of life. if there was any friction, it was mostly due to the idea that i was fairly offended by their need to indulge in the fairly tale of "close friendship" that made my relationship palatable to them. in fact, one of the most divisive issues happened when i made a joke that got taken the wrong way and the crux of the issue was that i had inadvertently addressed the fact/reality that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">justin</span> and i were physically intimate with each other.<br /><br />i love telling this story in person, but maybe it's time that i write it down before i forget it. there is this cozy little shack in a small town called Osbourn that is called "the snake pit". if you've ever seen <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">dante's</span> peak (the pierce <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">brosnan</span> epic), then you have seen this restaurant. it's like an old west <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">TGI</span> Friday's. there are old saws on the walls and various nick-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">nacks</span>. it's kind of charming in it's way.<br /><br />well, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">justin's</span> folks used to always make dinner when we came over, but this one time, we decided to go out. i ended up footing the bill for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">everyone's</span> dinner, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">i'd</span> like to add before we start. it turns out that the specialty at this particular venue is called "rocky mountain oysters". <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">RMO</span> is the polite way of saying bull testicles. it's fried and breaded bulls balls. i was feeling particularly adventurous and i decided to try them out. everyone else ordered standard fare and it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">wasnt</span> too long before we had our food in front of us.<br /><br />now, for some reason, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">justin's</span> dad had left the table. maybe to wash his hands, get something from the bartender...who knows. so it's just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">justin</span>, myself and his step-mother, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">heidi</span>. she turns to me and says,"i can't believe you ordered <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span>."<br /><br />without thinking, i blurt out, "well, i know what they taste like normally, but i wanted to see what they tasted like fried."<br /><br />now, i though it was funny. turns out she was mortified. she's one of those people that plays her cards <span style="font-style: italic;">so close</span> to her chest. i never knew when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">i'd</span> gone too far until <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">justin</span> told me a few days later about a conversation that he'd had with her. to add insult to injury, when justin's father found out about it later he was <span style="font-style: italic;">super</span>-pissed and it became a <span style="font-style: italic;">thing</span>.<br /><br />it was always like that with them. we would hang out and then go home. two days later, i would find out from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">justin</span> that i had said or done something to offend and no one said boo while i was there. i got tired of that and so i was hurt, but not surprised when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">justin</span> told me that they no longer wanted me around them.<br /><br />now, the rest of his family, i got along with just fine. i like both of his aunts and pretty much everyone else. either way, everyone involved thought it would be a good idea if i stayed home. no worries.<br /><br />i spent most of my time on the couch being lazy and watching <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">tv</span>. i watched a few movies and just kind of relaxed. i found my roommate's copy of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">disney</span>/<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">pixar's</span> "cars" and watched that to start out with. i genuinely forgot how good that movie is. i have a great deal of respect for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">pixar</span> in general, but i am in awe of the amount of talent that they employ. there hasn't been a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">pixar</span> flop yet. i just saw ratatouille a week or two ago and it was outstanding.<br /><br />stay with me, this all has a point. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">i'm</span> going somewhere with this, i promise.<br /><br />anyway..."cars" (if you don't know) is about a young rookie race car having an amazing year at the track and is on the cusp of winning the piston cup, the end-all-be-all of the animated racing world. he is on his way to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">california</span> for a tie-breaking race and along the way he gets stranded in this backwards town on route 66 that got was abandoned when the interstate re-directed traffic away from them. while he is there, he falls in love with a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">porsche</span> (who wouldn't) who loves the town for the idyllic stop that it once was. he also befriends an old rusty tow-truck name mater that is low on brains and big on heart. ( i feel like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">i'm</span> writing the back of the DVD, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">lol</span>). the race-car learns in the end (he makes it to the race) that there are more important things than winning.<br /><br />it's an old maxim. one <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33">i've</span> heard before. a young man in a leopard print jacket once told me as a child "life moves pretty fast, and if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you just might miss it". this was after singing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34">danke</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">shoen</span>(<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_36">sp</span>?) on a parade float in the middle of downtown <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_37">chicago</span>.<br /><br />as i always do, i watched the behind-the-scenes doc on the inspiration behind cars and it had a great interview with john <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_38">lassiter</span>. over the course of the 16 or so minutes, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_39">lassiter</span> spells out the lessons to be learned from cars, or rather the lessons that he had in mind when he started. the whole character arc is this guy living alone in the fast lane that is forced to slow down for a minute and learns to enjoy life.<br /><br />"life is what happens while you're making plans" -j.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_40">lennon</span><br /><br />lately, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_41">i've</span> been lamenting to myself silent reproaches about living in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">idaho</span> and the choices that got me here. when i was a kid, i hated living in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">midwest</span>, because it always seemed to me that life was happening "out there". in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_44">europe</span>, in NY, in LA, anywhere that wasn't home. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_45">i've</span> always had that mind-set. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_46">i've</span> always felt trapped by it. if <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_47">i'm</span> not in the middle of it, i feel like i am wasting my time.<br /><br />i feel helpless.<br /><br />if <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_48">i'm</span> honest with myself, i feel very trapped here. i feel like the rest of the world is just kind of passing me by...again. it's not really cabin fever. i think it's just wanderlust. i miss waking up in the morning and being excited about my work.<br /><br />film is the only thing that got me up at 5 in the morning, excited about the day. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_49">i'm</span> tired of wasting my life at this dead-end job.<br /><br />however.....<br /><br />yesterday, sitting on the couch in my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_50">pjs</span>, i got this sudden burst of "maybe this is all happening for a reason". maybe there is some fatal flaw in my personality that i need to salve before moving on to the next part of my life. i learned a lot about my experiences with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_51">justin's</span> folks. maybe there's some lesson there that i need to figure out.<br /><br />as always, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_52">i'm</span> trying to change my perspective and the way that i think. i have to, if not just for pure survival reasons. if i keep feeling like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_53">i'm</span> missing out, then i guess i won't see all of the wonderful things around me. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_54">unfortunately</span>, the grass will always seem greener somewhere else.<br /><br />i know i spend a lot of time whining lately. i can't help it. the whole point of writing this blog has been a personal assignment in catharsis. there's all of this stuff that i need to get out one way or another. all of these thought that i need to organize. i'm probably harping on about the same things, but i really hope that there is some kind of character arc.<br /><br />a story without any kind of character arc is just boring.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-67059938474230186612007-11-21T16:09:00.000-08:002007-11-21T17:00:08.377-08:00it's just too much<div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1aolAm28j88Z_Usyn3vObR6J3hz3f-ZEH525qd94wksSuYk8BKxXTUeCP3AKV3ZZrcMcxmCfdf83wIATiatLiiBI8bt8heVHl4BmlNaQm8zm6k0nftjzMa0MWrXvI53mMePojYClD5Tc/s1600-h/dracula'58.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 426px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1aolAm28j88Z_Usyn3vObR6J3hz3f-ZEH525qd94wksSuYk8BKxXTUeCP3AKV3ZZrcMcxmCfdf83wIATiatLiiBI8bt8heVHl4BmlNaQm8zm6k0nftjzMa0MWrXvI53mMePojYClD5Tc/s320/dracula'58.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5135451358994268578" border="0" /></a>i must be a masochist.<br />i keep looking at the presidential race and i always end up finding something that scares me. the presidential election period (especially when there is no incumbent) is an amazing time. all of the vast differing viewpoints come together and we find out<br />what it is that is important to other parts of the country. for example, i am relieved to find that the vast majority of my countrymen aren't so blood-thirsty anymore and that there is a possible chance that there might be some kind of end in site for the bush manifest destiny franchise being built in the middle-east.<br /><br />i'm still not sure if i'm for hillary or obama. i'm honestly not. however, i find that i am watching with rapt attention the republican race. as of the time of this writing, it seems that Giuliani is leading just over fred thompson. when fred thompson became a serious contender, i don't know. i assumed he would end up falling off like bill brady.<br /><br />what fascinates me is the writhing in the fundamentalist right to try and find someone as crazy as they are. i don't pretend to be a journalist, and i am certainly not impartial. i have a very clear and personal stake in Giuliani for the republican ticket. like bush he has used the momentum of 9/11 to his benefit, but he also has some credit for cleaning up NY. i still haven't forgotten the chris offili/saatchi show incident, though.<br /><br />anyway, i found this <a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN1529102720071121">article</a> and it had some interesting points. here's my favourite quote:<br /></div><p style="font-style: italic; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:85%;">"There are now more Mormons that used to be Southern Baptist than any other denomination," said Dr. Richard Land, president of the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, a 16-million strong group."</span></p> <p style="font-style: italic; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size:85%;">"As a consequence, Southern Baptists and other evangelicals have taught their people what Mormons believe and why it's beyond the boundaries of the Christian faith, to inoculate them against those Mormon missionaries," he told Reuters.</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;">and then there is this one:<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"There are a lot of conservative Christians who are going to look at the Mormon thing and say, 'Wait a minute, he may be conservative but he's a Mormon,' and they're not going to go there," said Steve Swofford, a pastor in the city of Rockwall, near Dallas, and former president of the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention."</span></span><br /><br />lately, the recurring theme in this blog has been how insane the mormons are. when the southern baptist have to stop and say "whoa", you have to ask yourself "what is wrong with this picture".<br /><br />what is lamentably more amusing is the fact that there are some people who have said, "you know what, southern baptists are crazy enough for me. bat-shit crazy mormonism, now that's the way to go."</div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-32837460507621901422007-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:002007-11-21T12:50:33.311-08:00i stand corrected<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ3qZFVfsv_UYoSyfkPKQTCuNrAQcxFTS16NjNptg9B2BP0WpHvQL_aMtVZzYWKEPnGXmNIdLql04jeB3TZmVsFyyIuBVSbXt7vknUF4pMe572BIa0iMmJ6W1_RuKVyCHx19080NxkUBQ/s1600-h/fry-see-what-you-did-there-scaled.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 286px; height: 364px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ3qZFVfsv_UYoSyfkPKQTCuNrAQcxFTS16NjNptg9B2BP0WpHvQL_aMtVZzYWKEPnGXmNIdLql04jeB3TZmVsFyyIuBVSbXt7vknUF4pMe572BIa0iMmJ6W1_RuKVyCHx19080NxkUBQ/s320/fry-see-what-you-did-there-scaled.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5135394437792694674" border="0" /></a>so, i have to issue a rare retraction here. when i was talking about the church, i mentioned the ATM-like registration system. i asked christina to read the blog, b/c i was curious if she would be offended. she was not. she did correct me that the sign-in system is for the day-care, which i understand and support. i guess you have to sign the kid in and the sign little johnny out again.<br /><br />christina asked me to re-consider going to church, but i think i need something a little more intimate. it would be cool to work the cameras or play in the band, but i just dont know if i can deal with that anymore.<br /><br />i've noticed that as i've gotten older that it is easier to hold grudges (which i never used to be able to do) and i seem to be getting more morose and engaging in life less. maybe it's just a phase. maybe it has something to do with the meds. dunno.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-31212411337661948322007-11-19T09:06:00.000-08:002007-11-19T13:09:07.863-08:00grappling with big religion<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqZjEJDPPwovOPpES5lUc4l53R2xKPre8G4tKUoaWTdsBkdQmj7Zs54darm-yT861KIdf-7abVIEtTY5m7Xnl79Inl7o8qZr4SEDEErej6SAtErLytXwGRNmujbubw4bAkjTEN-NyzFWo/s1600-h/2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqZjEJDPPwovOPpES5lUc4l53R2xKPre8G4tKUoaWTdsBkdQmj7Zs54darm-yT861KIdf-7abVIEtTY5m7Xnl79Inl7o8qZr4SEDEErej6SAtErLytXwGRNmujbubw4bAkjTEN-NyzFWo/s320/2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5134660848788603250" border="0" /></a><br />so, it was an interesting weekend.<br /><br />due to the fact that i can't afford to fly home for thanksgiving, a group of my friends and i decided to get together and have a thanksgiving meal on sunday. my friends christina, kim, and tara all go to this church over in post falls called real-life ministries. they've been asking us to go to church with them for a while (never persistantly, but just enough for us to know that we are always invited). i finally aquiesced and said we would start sunday by going to church with them. i said that justin and i would both go.<br /><br />so sunday morning, we get up early and get dressed in decent clothes and meet them at christina's house. from there, we go out to post falls and to this church.<br /><br />now, the church is set back from the road about a quarter of a mile. we've passed that spot in the past and when people pointed down that road and said that the church was down there, i always assumed that it was <span style="font-style: italic;">past</span> the warehouse, turns out it <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> the warehouse. the side that faces the road is canary yellow and probably a good 35-40 feet tall. we pull down the road and check out the parking situation. imagine walmart. then imagine that the car park for walmart wasn't quite big enough and they had to have people parking in part of a cleared field and you've got the picture.<br /><br />i have to admit, it made me uneasy. as we were walking in, i made the obligatory wise-cracks about jim jones.<br /><br />"if anyone hands me kool-aid, i'm outta here", i joked.<br /><br />the prior service had just gotten out and it looked like a train had just arrived. people streamed out of the various doors and moved their cars so that the next brood could slid in. we walked in past the people who were catching up with each other in the convention centre style lobby. before entering the actual "sanctuary", a few of my party wanted to go get coffee.<br /><br />the place was huge and filled with people. i was reminded of an airport terminal, you know, the way they used to be when friends, family and various well-wishers were allowed to meet you at the gate. hanging from the ceiling in various places was a closed circuit television system with a timer counting down from 30 minutes, ostensibly telling us when the next service would begin.<br /><br />i wonder if they dim the lights right before, like they do at play intermissions. i'll have to ask.<br /><br />i almost forgot to tell you about the programs. you know, the double sided photocopy folded in half that lets you know what hymns you're going to be singing and the like. at real life ministries, the look like insurance brochures. printed in full cmyk on card-stock with a little "pocket" that holds all of the obligatory "tell us who you are and what you want us to pray for you about" cards mixed with the tithe envelopes.<br /><br />so, now my friends are getting coffee that huge banner is telling me is from christian mission growers and i am nervous. i like the term "as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" a lot. partially because it's so homey and full of character, but also but because, to me, it implies that one is vigilent to the point of being paranoid due to a perception of danger. in this case, i think it fits.<br /><br />i'm scanning the crowd and i see the first thing that runs shivers up my spine. just past the coffee, i see a sign that says express check,-something. i'm not fully paying attention. my social anxiety is kicking in, so i'm already uneasy. there is a crowd of people and at first i think that there is some kind of cafeteria selection of pastries and they're making money off of the concessions. quaint, but not disturbing.<br /><br />then someone moves out of the way and i noticed the screens and the ATM-like devices that they are attatched to. i look at the sign again. express check-in. an automated roll call? do you have to be a card carrying memeber, like the mormons?<br /><br />i put my best foot foward and try to consider the logistical nightmare that managing this place must be. i push my exceptions into the back of my mind and we move to the sanctuary portion.<br />now, the snactuary portion is the size of a large gymnasium, in fact when i look up to the ceiling, there is a basketball hoop on one of those electric arms. here's the kicker, though. to give you a sense of scale, when the basketball hoop is in the upright and locked position, it is a few feet from the wall with the hoop facing the cieling. the clever observer will note that this means that since when the hoop is brought down, it will need to be in the correct position, that means that the pole holding it is the length of a basketball court.<br /><br />and then, there's the stage. yes, a stage. i've been to churches with a stage before. i was in the band for a very brief period of time, but this is a <span style="font-style: italic;">stage</span>. you know, like when you go to a concert and they have that metal girder-looking stuff that they hang the lights on? yeah, it's set like a concert hall. it looks like in a few minutes, rush is gonna take the stage and open with "tom sawyer". i find myself looking for my seat number on my non-existent ticket. i make a lot of nervous jokes about who the opening act might be. apparently, motley crue would not be welcome, though i'm not sure about stryper.<br /><br />after a few minutes of extreme discomfort, i ask justin if he would be okay with leaving and it turns out he is as uncomfortable as i am, only he actually has the good sense to be quiet about it. we ask our friends if they would be offended if we leave. they say no (no way of telling if that's true) and then we are gone.<br /><br />as we walked out, i felt kinda bad, but then by the time we got to the car, i could feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders. no more arena-rock churches for me.<br /><br />the reason that i'm writing about this is that even though the experience was uncomfortable, i'm self aware enough to ask why.<br /><br />allow me to digress for a moment.<br /><br />when i was going to school in ireland, we went on a field trip to the irish museum of modern art. a very nice museum in an old army hospital complex. very cool place. there was this couple from russia that made these little automated scenes in these boxes and the idea was that they were to entertain kids that were in the hospital with severe of terminal cases of whatever. a noble cause certainly. the show-boxes were interesting and well constructed. the really interesting part was that the way they presented them was they sectioned off part of the building and made it back into a hospital again. each area seperated by sheets on a metal bar, like the privacy sheets at any hospital ward. it was an interesting way of showing the work, because you had to factor in the room and the significance of the empty bed. by having the empty beds, you had to factor in the perspective of the child when veiwing the works. in retrospect, i think it was really interesting. at the time i hated it.<br /><br />one of the things they had done, one of those touches that makes the atmosphere, was to spray everything down with that cleaner that they use in hospitals. you know the one. they dont really use it much anymore, but when i was a kid, that was <span style="font-style: italic;">the </span>smell of hospitals. it is very distict, but it's hard to describe. i imagine it is a series of disinfectants of some kind.<br /><br />when i walked into the "hospital room" to see the work, i was assaulted with that smell. it made me very uncomfortable and i made it through only a few before i couldn't take it anymore. i only have a vague memory of the works. i was so distracted by the mise-en-scene that i could not concentrate on the work.<br /><br />it wasn't long until i was tearing my way through the exhibit, through the various rooms trying to get out. i don't know how many "rooms" there were, but i remember being on the verge of a panic attack trying to get out. by the last few, when it seemed like there was no end in sight, i must have seemed like a madman, pushing the curtains aside, hoping that the next time i swept curtain out of my way, i would be free.<br /><br />i left the museum and walked around dublin for a while in a daze. i've been to a lot of museums and i've seen a lot of exhibits, but there arent many that are as memorable. the point of art is to provoke some kind of reaction in the viewer. a good piece of art is interactive. a masterpiece is a mirror.<br /><br />i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was about that work that got to me. i wasn't sure if it was the quiet discomfort of the empty hospital rooms. or if it was the works. eventually, i realised that it was the smell. i knew why the smell bothered me. i associated it with memories of my mom being in the hospital when i was a kid. i think there was more to it, but even though i dont have a very good sense of smell, i am always very wary of walking into hospitals, lol.<br /><br />the way that this ties in to my point is that i was incredibly disturbed when i came out of that "church". i've been trying to figure out what it was about the experience that was so unsettling.<br /><br />i'm wondering if it was the setting.<br /><br />maybe i'm a closet traditionalist. i mean what are the basic components of any church service?<br /><br />A) there are seats for the congregation<br />B) there is an elevated space for the preacher to lead the service and to give his sermon<br />c) there is some kind of musical instrument to lead the congregation in song<br /><br />all of the basic parts are there, it just happens to be a re-imagining based more on the genesis "we cant dance" tour than the traditional transept and pew arrangement.<br /><br />there was a part of me that really wanted to go. i havent been to synagogue in probably 2 years. i miss the communing with G-d thing.<br /><br />i mean, it could just be a stirring of some old memories. when i was in college, i used to go to a church called "harvest". someday i'll have to write all about my experiences at that church because they were formative. i feel the way i feel about christians because of that place. there were a lot of similarities in organization, but the scale was far smaller. it was at least more intimate than the county fair.<br /><br />it might be my prejudice against christians.<br /><br />dunno. i'll have to think about it.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-66939111925595610122007-11-10T17:15:00.000-08:002007-11-10T17:31:27.428-08:00a moment of reflectionso, i've been writing this story. if you read my last blog, you know the title. it's a cool title, but at the end of the day, i'm writing it as a catharsis, a bloodletting, if you will. there are things in my psyche that i need to deal with and things that i can't keep hidden from myself.<br /><br />i know this is all kind of whiny, emo stuff, but the question i find myself asking is this; will there ever be a time when i won't be an addict? i mean, i'm not doing drugs or anything, but don't confuse the not-doing with the not-wanting-to.<br /><br />i mean, the story is my way of trying to create something that will let me deal with my past and to try and have some creative go at my past in the LA underground. more to the point, with my time in LA altogether.<br /><br />in the story, i wrote a scene about the character getting high. the idea is that he starts out where i was and gets closer to where i am, just without having to trudge to idaho. i'm still working on it.<br /><br />anyway, it's taken me a week to get through that scene. i read the description (and i think it's a good bit of writing, btw) and it gets my heart racing. it makes me wonder if i'm ready to deal with this. will i ever be? why not now; sooner than later?<br /><br />in taking mental stock, i found that i know that if someone handed me a bag of the stuff, i certainly wouldn't turn it down. i don't know if i even have the mental fortitude to do so.<br /><br />i suppose i could just suck it up and just try and move on, but when i did that, i was brought to my knees the first time that i ran into anything. if that experience taught me anything, it's that there needs to be a bunker or citadel that you can retreat to when the barbarian hordes come to the gates.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-41865958994173835992007-11-07T11:15:00.000-08:002007-11-07T12:56:13.094-08:00just checking in<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI9GKO1L8MbRLBgDYyGLIXgQGef3-M_lNc-UB2WEYkyJqccXzj4vn7YX8-pC8qkKlWuYxcg_JQuZ5whgCdZ-nme4NTFDAj0egngYkgbO0WwwARz00XOAvwDgKaUon9dGidKNEMHDoVRVo/s1600-h/164.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130180662192104850" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI9GKO1L8MbRLBgDYyGLIXgQGef3-M_lNc-UB2WEYkyJqccXzj4vn7YX8-pC8qkKlWuYxcg_JQuZ5whgCdZ-nme4NTFDAj0egngYkgbO0WwwARz00XOAvwDgKaUon9dGidKNEMHDoVRVo/s320/164.jpg" border="0" /></a>i haven't written in a little while because i have been busy writing a story.<br /><br />i've had this idea in my head for about a year and when i was swimming a few days ago, it just coalesced into a feasible plot line and story. the next day, a friend of mine in LA sent me a link to the <a href="http://www.nanowrimo.org/">national novel writing month</a> site. i gave the link to a few other people as well. the idea is to write 50,000 words during the month of november. the idea is to just write. you can edit and re-write in december, but for november, just write.<br /><br />at some point, i'll try and post the story. there is an excerpt of it on the NaNoWriMo site, but it's not very easy to navigate. if you're brave enough to try, my name on the site is bnelson7. good luck.<br /><br />other than that, things have been fairly quiet. i've begun this strange fascination with marcel proust and i'm going to attempt to read "remembrance of things past" because i hear that it is amazing. after that, i'd like to pick up genet's "our lady of the flowers" or sartre's "road to freedom"series. for some reason, i have this craving for french literature. i'm yearning to read thomas mann or even thomas hardy.<br /><br />i've been reading this book series called the "dresden files". it's the literary equivalent of a mcdonalds hamburger. the premise is that it is about a wizard who works as a private detective in modern-day chicago. the character is incredibly noble, sarcastic, chivalrous, and quotes or references sci-fi or fantasy movies all the time. there are maybe 10 or so books in the series and justin and i have devoured them each in turn.<br /><br />i have always felt bad for my escapist tendencies when it comes to reading. i try to pepper my literary dancecard with stalwart classics. i'm not sure what my motivation is. i mean, i want to say that it is because literature is something that helps you to grow as a person and as a human being. ideally, a good work of literature will help to lay bare some empirical fact about life and who we are as human beings.<br /><br />i'm not sure if i buy it.<br /><br />the definintion of post modern culture, as i understand it, is the creation of something new by using a pastiche of old concepts and ideas to create something new. i would submit that the simpsons are the ultimate in postmodern entertainment; the reason is that the show's humour is written in layers. the smarter you are, the funnier that show is. for example, if there's a shot of homer getting stuffed in a barrel and thrown down niagara falls, then there are several layers of funny. first off, there's the initial schadenfreude of watching someone yelling as they scream going over the cliff face, but then there might be a hobbit reference as he inches towards the edge. if you get the hobbit reference, the joke is twice as funny. does that make sense.<br /><br />the best example of this is "moulin rouge", the baz luhrman film. it is a musical, but the songs in this musical are actually pop songs that are part of the popular consciousness of western culture. i guess the best way to describe it is as a cinematic mix tape.<br /><br />i have a confession.<br /><br />i cannot read moby dick. i have tried several times. i even got the book on tape. i cannot seem to get into that book no matter what i do. maybe there is some guilt about that. i consider myself a reasonably intelligent guy, but to be confounded by moby dick is embarrassing.<br /><br />if i'm to be truly honest with myself, i think that i would like to be more intelligent and to have a greater range of references to draw upon, but maybe i just want to be able to get more jokes.<br /><br />dunno.<br /><br />anyway, the name of the story i'm writing is called "starfish prime". cool name,. huh.<br /><br />it's actually the code name of a was a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starfish_Prime">high-altitude nuclear test </a>conducted on 9 july 1962 over Honolulu, hawaii. of course that has absolutely nothing to do with the story that i'm writing. well, philosophically, there is a parallel, but i thought the name was uber-cool.<br /><br />it's kind of like reservoir dogs. it's not about a reservoir, and it's not about dogs, but it is about criminals and a bank heist. after you see the film, you kind of just <em>get</em> the title. it's a strange thing, but it works. it's supposed to be something like that.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-25138436436384092672007-10-31T15:03:00.000-07:002007-10-31T15:12:46.555-07:00hallelujah<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglSX3wXmSXTJNt4312mrCn_L5tpQid8NYnBI5ntHZQOcP5SNM6iBfG_1nEszVMXsDYNUQcScOI_Jdx_JqPj936n7xedPDHTHuDRUhyqvNKbE6XViLFuspSscg56CY8LDKURmhF3URotDE/s1600-h/1106.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5127627226825221506" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglSX3wXmSXTJNt4312mrCn_L5tpQid8NYnBI5ntHZQOcP5SNM6iBfG_1nEszVMXsDYNUQcScOI_Jdx_JqPj936n7xedPDHTHuDRUhyqvNKbE6XViLFuspSscg56CY8LDKURmhF3URotDE/s320/1106.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>"Father of slain Marine wins case against funeral protesters<br />Pa. man awarded nearly $11 million in compensatory and punitive damages<br /><br />The brokenhearted father of a Marine killed in Iraq won a long-shot legal fight today after a federal jury in Baltimore awarded him nearly $11 million in a verdict against members of a Kansas church who hoisted anti-gay placards at his son's Westminster funeral."</div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-13515525563075062442007-10-26T16:22:00.000-07:002007-10-26T17:01:36.426-07:00a special place of honour in hell<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSb6jaS_0mW6d-__TPDoBmKmmrIRuUpgqhw6RdVxO0MuM1rTcQ4cPQgA5YRgMcH1XOmuUDkYrGW5rIIPvze7u0sM79ZG-yNJH5IuKUYX55wSRq3cJFxLYHMuxHeJBkkC0AdHbYiHiD6BE/s1600-h/film6.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5125799572211885426" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSb6jaS_0mW6d-__TPDoBmKmmrIRuUpgqhw6RdVxO0MuM1rTcQ4cPQgA5YRgMcH1XOmuUDkYrGW5rIIPvze7u0sM79ZG-yNJH5IuKUYX55wSRq3cJFxLYHMuxHeJBkkC0AdHbYiHiD6BE/s320/film6.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">good</span> few years ago, when the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">internet</span> was still shiny and new, i was traipsing through the web and i found a site that nearly moved me to tears called <em>god hates fags.com</em>. i have no idea if the site is still active, but what struck me was the insane amount of hatred that could be encapsulated in HTML.<br />there is a man who embodies that kind of hatred, and he's a minister, if you can believe it. his name is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">fred</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">phelps</span>, and i hope that there is place of honour in hell for this man. do you remember the part in poltergeist II when the reverend walks up to the screen door? that's what this guy <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Fred_Phelps_on_his_pulpit.jpg">looks like </a>.</div><div> </div><div><div>working from a church in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">topeka</span>, KS, he and his followers have managed to make the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">mormons</span> look sane (no small feat, in my opinion). the latest in the zany antics of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">westboro</span> baptist church are found in this <a href="http://www.ajc.com/news/content/news/stories/2007/10/25/MILITARY_FUNERALS_1025.html">article</a>. </div><div><br />with apologies to fox <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">mulder</span>, but "i want to be beyond belief".<br /><br />check out this quote: </div><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span><em>"The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Westboro</span> protesters, whose church is in Topeka, Kan., frequently picket the funerals of military officials and soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan because church leaders assert that God is killing soldiers to punish America for condoning homosexuality. "</em><br /><em></em><br />now, don't get me wrong, i am not a fan of the military, and i certainly am not a fan of the war in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">iraq</span>, but there is something very wrong with the way that these people are dying for no <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">rela</span> reason other than to protect our interests in the middle east and when they die, their deaths are used for the purpose of any <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">nut job</span> trying to get their point across, from bill <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">o'reilly</span> to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">fred</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">phelps</span>.<br /><br />i am certainly a proponent of the first amendment, but there has to be a line somewhere. mind you, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">i'm</span> not very comfortable with drawing it, but this is not a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">guerrilla</span> war, there need to be rules.<br /><br />anyway, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">that's</span> enough for now.</div></div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-16989418798993136662007-10-20T13:27:00.000-07:002007-10-20T13:38:19.150-07:00a point of clarificationyesterday i ranted a little about religion, well, not so much about religion, but about extremists. i wanted to just clarify-for myself and for the record what i mean.<br /><br />i was thinking about it, and my viewpoint is thus: i view the fundamentalist/evangelical movements as the christian equivilent to al-quaida. i'm not saying that the southern baptist convention is going to start sending suicide bombers into abortion clinics and gay bars (though i'm not sure it isn't because they havent thought of it yet). what i'm saying is that the evangelicals are politicizing religion. granted, guys who shoot up abortion clinics and assassinate the doctors are the christian equivalent of your garden variety suicide bomber.<br /><br />at the end of the day, fundamentalist muslims and evangelical christians both lack a basic understanding of the logic behind a separtion of church and state. both parties are guilty of trying to create theocracies in support of their gods.<br /><br />i guess that i, like many americans are guiilty of being suspect of Islam as a religion, but since i don't believe that there are really more than a handful of true christians in the world, then i suppose it is logical to hope that there are more than a handful of muslims that want nothing more than to have peace with their god and let you have your own.<br /><br />i'm not sure if there is a point to any of this, but i needed to get the thought out, at least.benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-19970452038069898602007-10-19T14:15:00.000-07:002007-10-20T13:41:21.770-07:00WTF?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPasxY8uEzdGKYPS3EnIXUdSbjnGDjwWAwVNxugRsRkB4z_kDwW_ZcKrdcVt-DjOsBDFJoBStfUvQKYuVNFq8XPpnAYbMWgRGomxquJNVUaR0BAtObheiSajNCH4RIO_gZKwwwlCThvJA/s1600-h/PH2007101802585.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5123160676389142562" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPasxY8uEzdGKYPS3EnIXUdSbjnGDjwWAwVNxugRsRkB4z_kDwW_ZcKrdcVt-DjOsBDFJoBStfUvQKYuVNFq8XPpnAYbMWgRGomxquJNVUaR0BAtObheiSajNCH4RIO_gZKwwwlCThvJA/s320/PH2007101802585.jpg" border="0" /></a> to the left is a picture of republican candidate mitt <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">romney</span>. i consider <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">myself</span> a libertarian, but when practicality pushes and shoves, i normally go with democrats, because i hate them less. i have to say that i have found that i waiver betwixt <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">obama</span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">hillary</span>. if you want to be practical about it, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">obama</span> is a great candidate, but i would like to see him win in 2012. i think that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">hillary</span> should win this one, maybe just so i can see bill <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">clinton</span> in the white house just one more time, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">lol</span>.<br /><br />actually, there is something exciting about a <a href="http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/1019/p25s01-usmb.html">woman being on the ballot </a>for president. it means that we live in an exciting time. although, the old joke comes to mind:<br /><br />how do you get a woman into the oval office?<br />have her run against a black man and a homosexual.<br /><br />the other day, i was at the gym working out and there was a small gap between when i finished working out, and when the pool <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">would</span> open up, so i sat down in this little lounge area and watched <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">tv</span> and rested for a minute. what was on was that insipid "insider" show. i watched for a few minutes, until i <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">couldn't</span> take it anymore. i <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">didn't</span> realize the remote was available until i got up and saw it stuck between 2 cushions. i sat back down and surfed a few channels. i then realized that the pool was opening up and that i should get going. i turned the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">tv</span> to bravo and project runway was on. i smiled quietly to myself and walked away, leaving it there.<br /><br />now, to place this in context, you have to remember that i live in north <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">idaho</span>. the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">tv</span> is in a spot that everybody that goes from the front desk to the weight room has to see it. i have never walked by it w/out some form of sport or ESPN variant being on.<br /><br />for some reason, i wanted to rattle people in my own subtle way and leave a show about fashion design on. dunno why. maybe it was my little rebellion against the rampant homophobia that exists here. couldn't tell you.<br /><br />i think there is a little bit of that impulse with my endorsement of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">hillary</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">clinton</span>. i think it would be interesting to see what a woman would do in the oval office. i have found that her policies are generally okay (though i <em>do</em> fault her for voting for the patriot act). i think, more than anything, i want to see the evangelicals sweat.<br /><br />i have major issues with the fact that this insane sect <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">of</span> our society is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">soooo</span> pandered to. does anybody else get the feeling that politicians treat these people like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">spoiled</span> children? it's like a voting demographic full of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">verruca</span> salts.<br /><br />"but, daddy, <em>i</em> want a theocracy."<br /><br />"but, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">verruca</span>, sweet-heart, that's what our forefathers escaped from."<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">verruca</span> yells "i want it now, and you're going to get it for me; or i <em>won't </em>vote for you."<br /><br />"oh, all right...."<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">mrs</span>. salt "if you don't give her what she wants, you're going to be very unpopular around here, 'enry...."<br /><br />i think that there is something obscene about the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">politicization</span>(<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">sp</span>?) of religion.<br /><br />the reason that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">romney</span> graces the top of the blog is b/c i found something really interesting while i was perusing the net at work. here is an <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/18/AR2007101802579.html">article</a> that i found interesting. the idea behind the article was that the "evangelicals" are upset that there is no candidate that they can fully support and stand behind.<br /><br />here's a quote:<br /><br />"Romney, who this week picked up the endorsement of Bob Jones III, the chancellor of Bob Jones University, is viewed with suspicion by some evangelicals because he had previously supported abortion rights, a stance he has since disavowed. Polls suggest that his Mormon faith is also a concern among some evangelical voters. "<br /><br />isn't there something wrong when the southern baptists and the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">WASPs</span> think that the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">Mormons</span> are <em>TOO</em> crazy?<br /><br />granted, upon <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitt_romney">further research</a>, it turns out that he was cool about homosexuality for about half a day in 2003, but then was good about reversing that in 2006.<br /><br />i read a really interesting <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">quote</span> and i can't seem to find it, but it <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">goes</span> something like this: "the problem from fanatics of any religion is that they seek to limit the dialogue about human spirituality"<br /><br />i know i killed it, but hopefully i have been able to get the point across.<br /><br />i also read a really interesting article a while back that pointed out that if the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">LDS</span> church decided to back Romney, he would be the undisputed front-runner. who, outside of the campaign trail veterans in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33">washington</span>, knows how to mobilize a force like the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34">Mormons</span>. if they can dictate to each of their card-carrying members to spend 2 years of their lives trolling neighborhoods across the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">country</span> in pairs, imagine what they can do with political conviction wrapped in a blanket of moral certainty?benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8228812347670454960.post-23000739093507219922007-10-17T13:51:00.000-07:002007-10-19T10:52:06.802-07:00abandon hope all ye who enter here...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitXFd7e538iMkbW6r9VnfplStGMKNP_e7U9LSmZb5Nt4H6rrP1477__dJsBJ3kvfXaycn9U3HzPPI6SbdXI716yEt8auV0yk8Tl_UcPxWHDqOwiX4IXWgJ7Nnp5vS2qYSyVL9xPPcJsUk/s1600-h/06-069.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5122425687225712642" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitXFd7e538iMkbW6r9VnfplStGMKNP_e7U9LSmZb5Nt4H6rrP1477__dJsBJ3kvfXaycn9U3HzPPI6SbdXI716yEt8auV0yk8Tl_UcPxWHDqOwiX4IXWgJ7Nnp5vS2qYSyVL9xPPcJsUk/s320/06-069.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjewwiv7DpId8fRK8KMJ_WJ_73fte0fjGD0gTxEKIoLs4KNDm5MUCZ-ijQVBWZAMFx4lL6ASieUnAN9kYJnsmvbuXF418EgU1tnlAsgsyCzy_WTyG5ikwV0kXOB-EWv90M_KdIoTFI5iAg/s1600-h/avaricious9.jpg"></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQyoAa3G_-tdS59VKk_7_8AChExU-UpGCM9C4Ej0jpVhgR_0dVuAq9iFPj_MwWMCnJoBHXHt56qr7cqFiozSnsUFwO9Bedo6d-AIZ0ifEvUqdbPRED82Dv2zZDb-AzkfrOq88eNRh_Xbk/s1600-h/avaricious9.jpg"></a>I AM THE WAY INTO THE CITY OF WOE<br />I AM THE WAY TO A FORSAKEN PEOPLE<br />I AM THE WAY INTO ETERNAL SORROW<br /><br />SACRED JUSTICE MOVED MY ARCHITECT<br />I WAS RASIED HERE BY DIVINE OMNIPOTENCE,<br />PRIMORDIAL LOVE, AND ULTIMATE INTELLECT<br /><br />ONLY THOSE ELEMENTS TIME<br />CANNOT WEAR WERE MADE BEFORE ME<br />AND BEYOND TIME I STAND<br /><br />ABANDON HOPE, YE WHO ENTER<br /></div><br /><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">i've been trying to work on some illustrations and i decided to do some illustrations from dante aligheri's inferno. i have been researching and seeing what others have done (i think the work of </span><a href="http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/d/dante/d19he/complete.html"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">gustave dore</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> is my fav, but followed closely by </span><a href="http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,869915-1,00.html"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">rico lebrun</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">).<sp><sp></span></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">what attracts me to this project is the idea of portraying the torments of judeo-christian hell in a striking image. the challenge is, how do you put that much rage, anger, remorse, pain, madness, and regret into a "scene". is that possible?<sp><sp></span></div><div></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">in dore's version, he seems to go for it, but ends up with something that gets closer to frightening grandeur than anything else. lebrun's version is pictorial pain and madness. horrific figures that exist in contorted motions that can only be horrifically painful. pieces of the human anatomy glued together in a grotesque mockery of "G-d's image".</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">how do you top that?</span></div><div><div></div></div></div>benhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13201898367674838040noreply@blogger.com0