a moment of reflection

so, i've been writing this story. if you read my last blog, you know the title. it's a cool title, but at the end of the day, i'm writing it as a catharsis, a bloodletting, if you will. there are things in my psyche that i need to deal with and things that i can't keep hidden from myself.

i know this is all kind of whiny, emo stuff, but the question i find myself asking is this; will there ever be a time when i won't be an addict? i mean, i'm not doing drugs or anything, but don't confuse the not-doing with the not-wanting-to.

i mean, the story is my way of trying to create something that will let me deal with my past and to try and have some creative go at my past in the LA underground. more to the point, with my time in LA altogether.

in the story, i wrote a scene about the character getting high. the idea is that he starts out where i was and gets closer to where i am, just without having to trudge to idaho. i'm still working on it.

anyway, it's taken me a week to get through that scene. i read the description (and i think it's a good bit of writing, btw) and it gets my heart racing. it makes me wonder if i'm ready to deal with this. will i ever be? why not now; sooner than later?

in taking mental stock, i found that i know that if someone handed me a bag of the stuff, i certainly wouldn't turn it down. i don't know if i even have the mental fortitude to do so.

i suppose i could just suck it up and just try and move on, but when i did that, i was brought to my knees the first time that i ran into anything. if that experience taught me anything, it's that there needs to be a bunker or citadel that you can retreat to when the barbarian hordes come to the gates.