a random speed-bump

i happened onto my myspace profile and found this picture from a much happier time.

things are going really well for me and for the most part, i've been able to put the whole thing behind me, but then i see this pic and it takes me back with a bit of a shock.

as recent as 2 months ago, this would have been a punch in the gut. now i just remember who we were then and what we became.

it's late at night (for me) and i guess i'm just wool-gathering.

i'll write more about my life these days later.

an impromptu list

a friend of me sent me this chain list thing on face book. you're supposed to list 25 things about yourself, but i kinda just kept going. thought i would reproduce it here.

1. I despise chain emails
2. I was a stripper (very briefly)
3. I have an OCD about my hands
4. I love sleeping, but have a hard time falling asleep.
5. I have been playing guitar for 18 years (on and off)
6. I play guitar, piano, bass, drums, and have even dabbled with trombone
7. My first bf was 16, I was 19
8. He seduced me.
9. His parents found us asleep together.
10. My first job was as a fry cook
11. I was fired from my second job for stealing (I didn't do it-long story)
12. The first time I kissed a boy was behind a church.
13. I am moderately ambidextrous
14. I have tried to read moby dick 5 times.
15. I was in a church band.
16. I speak 5 languages other than english, I am fluent in none of them (I can read 6)
17. I enjoy obscure terms.
18. History is my favourite subject.
19. I am listed on IMDB.
20. My 'first time' was in the woods.
21. I have spelled colour with a 'u' since college.
22. I bite my nails.
23. I have 9 pins and 2 plates in my left leg (I was rejected from the navy for this reason).
24. I am a hopeless romantic.
25. I love being lost.
26. My favourite word, ironically, is quim.
27. I am attracted to intelligence.
28. I used to play chess over the phone.
29. I didn't own a computer until I was 24.
30. I prefer stick shift to automatic because of the sound of the engine.
31. Three of my top 10 movies of all time were released in 1995.
32. I once worked at a bathhouse.
33. I love hockey, but I cannot ice skate.
34. I despise running.
35. Soccer is my fav sport to play.
36. I am slightly pigeon-toed.
37. Until I was 17, I wanted to be a writer.
38. I got some poetry published in high school.
39. I wrote and directed 2 plays
40. I am a voracious reader
41. My favourite movie is 'street of crocodiles' by the bros. quay.
42. I drown once when I was 6 (woke up on the beach while they were doing CPR).
43. I love swimming.
44. My favourite book is ender's game (i have read it a minimum of 10 times)
45. I never capitalize my name.
46. I prefer lowercase letters, but my handwriting is mostly caps.
47. I was very nearly given up for adoption as a newborn.
48. My best friend and i have known each other for 28 years.
49. I am too lazy to think of 50 things, but egocentric enough to come up with 49.

an ode

just around halloween someone that i knew, a friend, an old enemy took his own life. it sort of gurgled around inside of me for a while until it ended up coming out one day while i was just messing w/my guitar. i know it doesn't rhyme, but the idea was to just get it out of my head. from there i can always revise. this was written all at the same time, over a 20 minute period. maybe i'll publish the 2nd version as a follow-up.

an ode

why is it, after the fact
that i call you my friend?
why is it, after the fact
now that you're gone?

all those silver linings
never showed up
and you didn't know
what to do.

sharp tongue and a
sharper mind
and that chinstrap beard
why leave us all high and dry
and wondering why?

i heard there was a
sad parade
of all the friends
you didn't think you had

so, why would the
smartest motherfucker that i know
do something to become
a past tense?

so i guess there comes a time
when we all get that call
the one that punches us,
throws us up against the wall.

why is it, after the fact
that i call you my friend?
why is it, after the fact
now that you're gone?

........and....we're back

over the last few months, in truth, the better part of a year, a lot has changed and i have been wavering back and forth about returning to writing blog entries. i have always felt that there is something personal about writing journal style, but there is something intrinsically exhibitionist about writing a journal that others can read. i'm too lazy to write 2 of them, one public, one private, so i have neglected both.

i have started re-establishing contact with people that i have not spoken to in a long time, i guess the wheel comes 'round every once in a while. i sent the link to this blog to a friend in a vain attempt to catch her up on what i have been doing over the last few years, but found that it is explicit in some areas and deficit in others.

in the hopeful spirit this post-inauguration world, i am re-dedicating myself to this blog. using this public space, though it is only my little corner of the interweb to bounce ideas off of people and hopefully get some feedback on some of them so that i can reshape and refine them.

i may even use spell-check, but don't get your hopes up.

so, here goes.............

starfish prime

so, i decided to release what little i had of my story. i really like the beginning, but the hard part seems to find the voice that i was originally writing it in. as much this first bit promises, i'm not sure where to go with it after this. i have two other versions, but they all divurge right after this first section.
well, enjoy.....

starfish prime

greenbugz

my best friend from back home asked me to link to his site. it is greenbugz.com, a site for the eco-friendly.

restless.

restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless. restless.

checking in

it has been quite a while since i wrote here. long enough that i don't quite know where to start. i'm alive and still living in idaho. other than that, i've been spinning my wheels in my rut. they say that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. i'm hoping that longevity is a factor as well.

still embarking on my reading jag. trying to teach myself latin. playing music once and a while. switched gyms. the gym i go to now has a way better pool that is always open during the times that i project i will be going there.

kind of an odd note. in one of my earlier blogs, i talked about being nervous about being in the locker room at the gym. apparently i was at the wrong gym. i noticed that one of the staff at my new gym is quite obviously gay. now that doesn't translate to the locker room being cruisy or anything, but for some bizaare reason that i can't explain, i feel a little more comfortable there knowing i'm not the only one.

i started the year as a hillary clinton supporter, but i have started to find myself leaning towards obama lately. his policies, or what he says are his policies, sound like something i can get behind, and more importantly, it sounds like what we need.

not much else going on. the earth still spins and everyday i fall away from the sun and wait for centrifugal force to bring my little portion of the globe back into light.

untitled

so it seems that i have been delinquent in updating my blog. there really hasn't been a lot going on. i mean, yeah, there is the daily job of clearing your way past whatever detritus gets thrown in your path, but my life has pretty much become fairly stagnant. i'm pretty sure that i'm going to be moving to spokane, WA in the near future. from there, who knows.

might as well face it.....

i read an amazing article yesterday. maybe it was a novella, not sure. it was called "addicted to hate" and written by a journalist named jon michael bell. the project is basically an expose about fred phelps and the westboro baptist church.

here's a really fun fact: according to the conservapedia, phelps is a democrat. i was shocked until i read the article and found that this due to the fact that there is a vast difference between the man he thinks he is and the man he actually is.

the article alleges that phelps is an emotionally disturbed man who has abused his position as a parent and pastor. with charges ranging from daily physical beatings to being the towering, domineering architect of a clan whose only mission in life is to terrorise his fellow citizens, phelps seems much like jim jones, but without the kool-aid or the charm.

i read a really interesting blog about phelps. in it, the blogger postulates that he believes that phelps is a kaufman-esque clown parading a focused mirror back onto the christian right. a sort of effort to out-right-wing the fundamentalists. the optimist in me wants to believe that the world is such a mad place that it is just possible, but after reading the article, i find there are more similarities to kafka than kaufman.